It’s also not mandatory to have to pick a label at all, and some people who refuse to categorise their sexuality find that the lack of labels can be liberating.ĭo these experiences have to mean anything? Not really, unless you want them to. Labels can assist us with navigating our society, but they can also constrain us if we feel we don’t perfectly fit the definition and while new language is often developed frequently, it doesn’t help if the sources we read are judgmental or ill-informed about the spectrum that sexuality can encompass.
You might also see this abbreviated to MSM. This is part of the reason that many sexual health services for men will use language such as “gay, bisexual and men who have sex with men”, as just saying gay or bi may exclude those who do not identify with those labels. Stigma is still strong about being LGBT+ in some places, so many people do not want to adopt a label other than straight (or there may be many other reasons). Not everything has to stay exactly the same throughout our lives, and sexuality is very changeable for many people. It shows that the labels we give ourselves can be complicated and messy - and that is okay too. It’s a fascinating book, and well worth a read to explore these experiences. This “sexual flexibility”, as Tony calls it, would be more talked about in society if these constraints and stigmas weren’t present. Some felt it was no big deal some enjoyed the thrill of having a secret sex life. Interestingly, some also felt that infidelity with a man was not cheating on their wives, whereas infidelity with a woman would definitely be considered cheating. They also wished to stay married to a woman, and mostly had sex with women, only exploring sex with men at a later age in life.
He calls this “straight culture” and suggests that they refuse these labels not because they hate gay or bisexual men, but because they identified most of their life as heterosexual in appearance. Tony states that there are many people who have sex with men but identify as straight “primarily because they are deeply embedded in institutions, communities and networks that expect and reward male heterosexuality and masculinity”. There is a great book on this topic that you might find interesting from Tony Silva called Still Straight, which is a study of men in America who would say they are straight but have sex with men. We don’t fit into neat categories for many things in life, yet we often view sexuality as stable and unchanging over our lifetimes, with the end result being confusion and missed opportunities to be who we really are. This fluidity can be an opportunity to explore, but when we grow up in a society that judges other people’s sexuality - even making it illegal in many places - it can be hard to navigate this, and poor sex education doesn’t help either. This is exciting for some and confusing for others. Sexuality can be fluid, as we grow and change throughout life. Does this mean that I am gay now, or that I haven’t really been straight all this time? I’m finding this all very confusing.ĭr West replies: When we scratch below the surface, I think experiences like yours are far more common than people confess to. I know some gay people in real life but I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to be like them or thought about sex with men. I don’t think I’m gay, and I don’t want to settle down with a man, but I want to explore this side of me too. Since then, I’ve been trying to figure out what this means. It felt kind of weird, but I actually enjoyed it at the time.
One day, I decided to go for it as I felt curious and wondered what the big deal was. They said they were straight too but kept offering oral sex. At first, I felt really confused, as they said they were straight, and on my profile I said I was looking to meet women only. Q: I’ve always identified as a straight man, but I’ve recently been on dating apps where I have been contacted a lot by other men who say they are straight but are offering sex or oral sex.